Emotional Intensity During Adolescence

When I was 17, I had a complete meltdown because my mom would not let me get my nose pierced.

Wailing, begging, bawling my eyes out. Threatening to hurt myself or run away. Lying on the floor of my room sobbing uncontrollably.

To anyone watching, I may have seemed like a dramatic, immature, manipulative teenager.

But how it felt?

I felt like someone was preventing me from getting oxygen.

As a teen, my baseline was pain.

I constantly felt so bad about myself, my life, and my future. But sometimes, something would come along that might offer some relief, some opportunity or invitation that seemed to suggest:

“Hey, if you come do this thing now, you won’t feel so bad anymore. All of this pain may finally go away.”

"Like a friend invites me to go over to their house. I’m so used to feeling like I don’t belong, and am not lovable. But this! This night, right now, will be the moment that changes. If I can go over to Julia’s house tonight, maybe I’ll finally have a good time, feel accepted, and no longer hate myself! I have to go! I must go!

I see a picture of a green bedroom on social media. Oh my gosh! I cry myself to sleep every night. If I paint my room green, it will feel more like a place I want to be. I can finally relax. I can finally feel okay here.

And, of course, I get in my head the idea of a nose piercing. I hate myself and how I look. But if I got a piercing, I’d be choosing something I like for my body. I’d feel more confident. I’d feel more like my own person, better in my own skin. I have to have it! I want to finally feel good about who I am! Please, please, I *need* this, or I can’t stand to look at my face!

It was never about the thing exactly — it was always about what feeling I thought it was going to give me.

And that feeling — finally feeling loved, connected, okay with myself — was so important and essential, it was like oxygen.

Imagine living in constant, ongoing pain. And then it feels like there’s a chance to feel okay. To feel some relief, some peace. You’d want it more than anything.

I know many times we might look at a teen, and think they’re having a disproportionate reaction to a situation. For example, they’re upset about not being able to drive the car, and we think, “it’s just one time they can’t drive the car.” We dismiss their disappointment and frustration about things that seem like “no big deal” in the grand scheme of things. But teenagers are so in the moment. And especially if they’re in pain, they become fixated on these opportunities that might offer them some relief, or give them the feeling they’re so desperately aching for.

At that moment, a nose piercing felt like my only way to like myself. And that is a big deal.

So yes, it was important for me to learn how to be with discomfort, and not always be seeking immediate relief. It is also important for us to understand why these moments feel so huge to teens — because they can literally feel like their oxygen.

I explain this in a video here.

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