The Wisdom Behind a Teenager’s Resistance

I invite you to imagine that there is a valid reason for everything a teenager is doing. I am not saying that their actions are safe, healthy, or acceptable. I am saying that there is a reason — there is a logic, a wisdom in fact — driving their behavior.

I was confused by my own behavior as a teenager. I was confused how I could feel suicidal, and then feel furiously angry a few hours later. I was confused why I wanted to succeed in school, but I struggled to apply any of my focus. I didn’t understand how I could feel so loving and positive around my friends, but angry and bitter around my family. I felt like I didn’t know what was real — what emotions were real, or who I really was. When I was 16, I wrote this in my diary:

It reads: “I have one part that is clear, wise, and committed. I have another part that is terrified, angry, and panicked. And the two have never met.”

I said didn’t want the struggles I had. I longed to be on the typical track with my peers. I wished more than anything I didn’t feel so crazy. But despite so many efforts, I continued to struggle.

This was because there were parts of me that were afraid to “get better.”

There was a part of me that believed the only way to be in control was through destroying myself.

There was a part that felt sadness and pain were more “real.”

And there was a part that was scared of the unknown.

These parts had valid reasons to be afraid and resistant. Only by understanding their resistance and honoring their wisdom could I begin to guide these parts toward healing.

When we approach this process with curiosity and respect for all aspects of a teenager — including their resistance — we help them tap into their innate wisdom.

***

To explore this, we will use Internal Family Systems (IFS) as a map. IFS helps us understand the relationship between the distinct parts of our mind. Intuitively, this makes sense to us — we might notice that we have a sociable and energetic side, and another that is introverted and calm. We all naturally possess multiple parts within us, and they arise depending on the situation, environment, and context. In my case, I had parts that wanted to “get better,” and parts that did not. The parts of me that resisted the process were not wrong or bad — they actually had valid reasons and wisdom behind their resistance.

It’s important to note that when a person experiences trauma, their psyche fragments. Some parts absorb the trauma, holding onto the pain, sadness, and fear, while other parts step in to keep the person functioning. For instance, someone with a chaotic childhood might develop a part that focuses intensely on work, striving to create stability in their life to avoid ever experiencing chaos again.

In IFS, the parts are:

Exiles are the parts that hold vulnerabilities, emotions, and memories that were ignored and repressed when we were younger. These parts are called “Exiles” because we didn’t have the space or understanding to process them at the time.

Managers are the parts that work proactively to keep us safe and functioning in our daily life. Their primary role is to manage and control our environment and internal experiences to prevent distressing emotions or memories (Exiles) from surfacing.

Firefighters respond reactively when our internal system becomes overwhelmed by distress. Firefighters aim to immediately extinguish these intense feelings, and can act extremely to make any pain go away.

And independent of these parts is the Self. The Self is the innate essence and pure presence of who we are. It is inviolable, inherently whole and healed, and cannot be defective or broken. Often, we are not living and creating from this seat of wholeness. Instead, we are often reacting from our parts.

It’s key to understand the relationship between these parts — the parts that hold the pain, and the parts that seek to never experience pain again — and learn to access our Self energy, so that we can be the healthy leader of our internal system.

So here is what was happening with my parts:

I associated "getting better" with losing myself

The more parents and professionals tried to enforce safety, the more I gravitated toward destructive behavior. It was automatic and unconscious. I felt that the only way to maintain my sense of self was through opposing all of my parents' suggestions, rules, and control. So because they were encouraging responsible and healthy behavior, I did the opposite.

I associated “getting better” with giving up control of myself. A teenager's priority is to individuate, to establish independence from the family system, and create their own identity. I had an intense drive to be my own person and do things on my terms. This drive for freedom and independence came at the expense of my safety, health, and success. It was my highest priority. It felt like survival. So a part of me was determined to stay in my patterns at any cost.

The challenge is that sometimes, teenagers only know autonomy through self-destruction.

This really clicked for me during a conversation with a teen girl who was coming home from treatment. She shared with me a plan she’d written for herself, a routine she wanted to commit to when she got home. “I’m going to wake up at 7 AM every day, not smoke weed, and will only see safe friends,” she said proudly. Then a week later, her parents presented a home contract. Upon seeing their plan, she said, “This is so annoying, I don’t want to do any of this.” I looked at their plan. It was identical to hers. 

This young woman was pushing back against influence because she was afraid of losing herself and her autonomy. Clearly, it was not actually about her parent’s suggestions, because she had planned to do those things herself. I explained to her that I had the same reaction as a teen. I told her: “It’s okay to want for yourself what they want for you too. That doesn’t mean you’re losing yourself. It means you’re taking care of yourself.”

We spoke to the part of her that was afraid of being controlled, and afraid of losing freedom. We thanked that part for keeping her soul intact. We thanked that part for doing good work to keep her safe. And we asked that part what it needed to feel open and receptive to collaborating with her parents. Once we understood the role of this part, and acknowledged it, we were able to move forward.

Being “sick” felt more real

Even though I felt so awful, there was a part of me that felt being “sick” was my destiny. It was who I was.

I also felt that in being “unwell,” I had accessed a deep truth that others either couldn’t see, or were choosing to ignore. I preferred being honest, and feeling deeply, to what I imagined was being insincere and avoiding the difficult truths. I didn’t realize that I could be both authentic and healthy. I found a new relationship to this sadness, and came to know it not as a destiny or identity, but as a feature of the human experience. I came to realize I did not have to sacrifice my emotional sensitivity for my wellbeing — in fact, as I became more emotionally healthy, I was able to be present with my feelings in a whole different way.

The fear of the unknown

I always felt different in a bad way, and thought of myself as fundamentally broken. And though it hardly sounds like a desirable identity, I became attached to it. Though it may sound counterintuitive, human beings actually choose familiarity over safety. In other words, we will create what we know over and over again, even if it is deeply damaging for us.

Our systems resist change, even if we consciously know the change is good for us. So it can feel like an uphill battle because we are literally fighting our own instincts. I had a part that was afraid of change. A part that was afraid of letting go of the familiar pain because it was all I had ever known. I realized that to move forward, I needed to understand and address these fears, to gently guide this part of myself toward a new way of being

***

This internal dissociation is confusing for many of us, teenagers included. We wonder why we undermine our own efforts, or how we can feel two opposing feelings so strongly just a day apart. The IFS framework helps us give language and shape to our parts, so we can get to know them, and so they can get to know each other.

IFS holds that every part has a positive intent, even if ultimately its actions are counterproductive or incite dysfunction. Instead of trying to eliminate or numb these parts, IFS encourages us to access the Self to heal these wounded parts. When we have clarity on how our sub-parts interact, we can shift the dynamics that create discord and restore harmony.

***

For more insights, tips and guidance, join the Free Parent Support Group. We’d love to have you there!