As Within, So Without: Why Your Teen Talks to You Like That

One day, I got out of the car during a fight with my mom and wandered the streets of San Francisco until it got dark. We had been at the hospital, both being interviewed separately as part of the intake for a DBT program. On the ride home, I asked my mom what she had told them.

"I said you were having a tough time," she answered. "We’ve tried lots of things but nothing has helped. You feel badly about yourself, you're not doing well in school … struggling to keep up with life."

Hearing her words, I felt ashamed. Because everything she said was true.

"I can't believe you would say that," I snapped.

"Ciara," she said. "I'm just trying to help."

"You really think those things about me, so what's the point of trying to help me since I'm such a failure?"

"I'm just trying to be honest with them about what's going on," she explained. "I want them to know so they can help you."

We were stopped at a red light.

"I'm walking home," I said, sliding out of my seat and slamming the door behind me. I walked around the streets for hours, wiping tears on my shirt sleeve. I was not really angry at my mom; I was angry at myself.

The expression “As within, so without,” is considered to be a universal truth .

It means that the internal and external mirror each other. You've probably heard this concept when discussing how our inner beliefs shape our outward reality. I believe this statement is especially relevant when it comes to communication and relationships.

The way your teen communicates with you reflects their inner world.

My inner world as a teen was consumed with self-loathing, despair, and pain. It was agony.

I did a lot of yelling at myself, and a lot of yelling at my mom.

I was angry and frustrated with myself, and got angry and frustrated with my mom.

As within, so without.

I didn’t know how to cope with the shame I felt, so my psyche’s self-protective maneuver was to deflect, and channel the anger towards her instead. And it would work, temporarily.

I could slam the car door, and walk off, fuming, feeling self-righteous.

She doesn’t understand anything.

She’s the meanest, most judgmental person ever.

And then as I walked, the anger simmered off, and the shame began to surface.

I hate myself.

I am a disappointment to everyone.

I have seen this time and time again in my work with adolescents. It’s not always that they can’t stand you — sometimes it’s that they can’t stand how they feel. And their expression, their outburst, their response is an extension, a reflection of the chaos they’re experiencing inside.

They’re not trying to be disrespectful, difficult, or venomous. Often, they are at war with themselves. And what you hear are the sounds of that ongoing battle.

Influencing their outer world to help repair their inner.

You can probably tell my mom was often walking on eggshells around me. I was easily triggered by her. In fact, if she had said she told the interviewers I was doing fine overall, and decently well at school, I probably would have accused her of lying, hiding the truth, and being ashamed of me. Seems like there’s no way to win, right? (It’s important to note that my anger and frustration were also valid. My sense of “always being fixed” was valid. I had authentic anger and protective anger, but that’s a topic for another day.)

I know how it feels when everything triggers a sense of shame and feeling unlovable. And I know how it feels to try and reach a person who is unreceptive, shut down, or even hostile. What we witness and experience with a person, be it anger or closure, is a window in their inner world.

We cannot change a teenager’s inner world, but we can influence their outer world through our relationship with them. And, this energetic law operates both ways — what happens outside can affect what’s within. We can be an anchor in their emotional storm, helping them build self-awareness and self-compassion, and guiding them to find their footing.

As they grow in these areas, their communication with you will organically shift. When they respect themself, they show others respect. When they feel a sense of dignity, they treat others with dignity. When they can find peace within themselves, they can speak peacefully, clearly and thoughtfully.

In my next post, I’ll guide you through doing this. Subscribe below to get it delivered to your inbox.

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And in this episode of Parenting Post Wilderness with Parent Coach, Beth Hillman, and Co-Host Seth Gottlieb, we explore this concept in the context of behavior — if you’ve ever wondered why your teen chooses harmful behavior to manage their pain, instead of something like jogging or reading, this will explain.