Relate to Your Child as Whole and Healed

One morning, I came to breakfast smiling — but it didn’t last long.

I had just woken up at a decent hour (not 2 PM) for once, received a kind text from a friend, and listened to cheerful music while brushing my teeth. I had gotten a little taste of contentment, and during those years, when life felt like a stretch of near constant pain, every small drop helped sustain me. “Today might actually be okay,” I though to myself, as I walked towards the kitchen.

“Oh, look, Ciara’s not a total grump today!” my Dad chuckled.

My heart dropped.

Right, any time I’m happy, you act like the world’s upside down.

Anytime I’m happy, you remind me who I really am, and how you see me.

I felt embarrassed, like when you wear a bold, bright new outfit out and someone sarcastically asks if you’re going anywhere fancy.

“Well now I will be a grump, you just ruined it,” I said, annoyed, and turned to leave the room.

***

My Dad didn’t mean any harm. He was trying to lighten the mood with humor. And this moment was small compared to other times I felt confined to the “identified patient” role. The small moments land softly, but deeply in our psyche — we may not register them as clearly as more obvious events at the time, but they sink in like a small pebble.

Family systems theory, proposed by Dr. Bowen explains that we fall into patterns of communication and behavior. This is why we have terms such as the “problem child” or the “golden child.” We are always seeking homeostasis, so in a family system, members play out their roles and unconsciously reinforce each other’s behavior.

I definitely felt that my family saw me as the problem child. And I get it. I gave them a lot of reason to see me that way — there were choices I made, and ways I behaved, that you could say earned me that label. But I also felt limited by it.

There was a part of me saying:

“That’s not all I am, I’m so much more than just this, why can’t you see that?”

Your child can sense how you feel about them. And it is powerful when they sense you regard them as capable, competent, lovable, and whole. It inspires them, motivates them, and creates the conditions for their transformation.

Here is how you can begin to widen the lens through which you view your child, and begin relating to them in a way that encourages change:

Shift the rescuer / victim dynamic

Shifting the rescuer/victim dynamic is crucial for fostering a teen's independence and problem-solving skills. When a teenager is consistently in distress, those around them may habitually step in to rescue them. While this is often well-intentioned, it can inadvertently hinder the teen's ability to develop essential life skills and self-reliance.

Where there is a rescuer, there is a "victim." It's important to recognize that when you frequently rescue your teen, you may unintentionally be communicating that you don’t have faith in their ability to figure things out. This dynamic needs to shift towards viewing and supporting them as creators of their own solutions. This doesn't mean abandoning them to suffer indefinitely; rather, it involves allowing them to face challenges, make mistakes, and ultimately find their own way. You allow them to stumble, stretch their limits, and find their own solution.

Part of this is learning to not associate their struggle with alarm bells. Witnessing your child struggle can be distressing and frightening, but it's essential to understand that their struggles are part of their development, and offer valuable learning opportunities. To navigate this, parents also need support and resources. These videos (here and here) offer fresh perspectives on witnessing and supporting your child's struggles.

Connect outside “what’s going wrong”

Oftentimes, when there is a lot of chaos in a family system, that becomes the main point of connection: parent and teen are always relating through what is going wrong.

You might find yourself reduced to a continuous loop of questions and reminders: “Did you finish your homework? Did you remember to make an appointment with the therapist? Remember that Friday is the last day for the application,” and so on. You do this not only to try to keep your teen “on track,” but also to reduce your own anxiety. You find yourself repeating the same admonitions over and over again, in the hope that it will help resolve things. 

Essentially, the entire relationship is filtered through what needs to be fixed.

You and your teen see each other as the reason why life is difficult. For a parent, having to constantly remind and manage, they imagine if their teen could just get it together, everything would be fine. For a teen, being constantly reminded and managed, they imagine if their parent could just lay off and leave them alone, everything would be fine.

We have to remember that the other person is more than just the current challenge we’re having with them in our relationship. So, it’s crucial that you connect with your teen beyond your concerns. Find moments where you can create connection outside of the current issues — going for a drive, getting coffee or lunch, doing errands together. Your teenager is more than just their current struggle, and it’s important to remember that and to communicate that.

Validate their pain

Looking back, I realize some of the drastic things I did were because I felt I needed to prove my pain. I often hurt myself because I believed no one understood or believed my suffering was real. Acting out became a way to express that hurt.I needed people in my support system who saw and understood my pain, who could say, "I know you are in pain. I am right here with you. Let's feel this together. I am not going anywhere."

You may find this confusing, because I’m encouraging you to relate to your teen beyond just their pain and struggles — but acknowledging what is happening communicates something essential to your teen. It communicates to your child that you see their wholeness. That their feelings matter because they matter.

Believe in their wholeness

As a teen in treatment, I saw myself as damaged and mentally ill. Because I felt there was something inherently wrong with me, there was a limit to how much I could really grow.

I started truly healing when I met people (guides, mentors, and conscious adults) who saw me as hurt and coping, but not fundamentally broken. They invited me into a different paradigm — one of wholeness. And when one of those people held me in my pain, they did not collapse into pity. They held me through the pain, but they also held the perspective of: "This happened, and it was painful. And I know you are so much more than just what has happened to you, and what you feel." 

Though it was well-meaning, my mother sometimes "climbed into" my story with me, and all her efforts to get me help made me feel that my belief was true: I was screwed up and not normal.  This is not to suggest that you shouldn't seek support for your kids. It does mean that throughout this journey, the perspective you hold should always be that your teen is inherentl whole, and has the ability to heal.

***

If you see your teen as disobedient, dishonest, or dysfunctional they will feel that. And I know when your teen has exhibited behavior that has led to that perception, it can feel like you’re denying reality. So, allow yourself the fear and concern you feel. And also hold room for them to be different. Hold the faith that they can change. Hold the knowing that they are brilliant, powerful, wonderful people, and that you believe in them — because they can feel that too. 

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