The Practice of Staying in Your Own Field

In my last blog, As Within, So Without, I talked about how challenging it can be to hear painful things from your teen. Whether it’s their struggles with friends, their inner doubts, or even their frustration with you, it’s natural to feel alarmed. As parents, our first instinct is often to step in and try to manage their emotions—to soothe, to fix, to say or do just the right thing that will make everything better.

This urge doesn’t come from a bad place. It comes from love and a deep desire to protect our kids. But there’s a fine line between empathy and over-involvement. When we cross that line, we not only deplete ourselves, but we also inadvertently teach our teens that they’re responsible for our emotions—and that we’re responsible for theirs. The best way to truly support our teens isn’t by living in their emotional world but by being empathetic while staying grounded in our own. From this place, we can meet them with empathy, offer guidance, and remain steady in the face of their challenges.

In this post, I’ll share how you can practice staying in your own field as a parent—not only to protect your energy but also to create a healthier, more supportive relationship with your teen.

***

Empathy Without Collapse

Empathy is the ability to feel with someone without becoming them. It allows us to connect deeply while maintaining our sense of self. But when empathy tips into trying to predict, control, or manage someone else’s experience, it’s no longer empathy—it’s anxiety masquerading as care.

It’s natural to want to shield your teen from discomfort. But trying to predict or control how they’ll feel—or how they’ll react—can create an exhausting dynamic.

Here are some common ways this might show up:

• You avoid certain conversations because you’re afraid of triggering their anger or shutting them down.

• You find yourself over-explaining or walking on eggshells, hoping to keep them calm or happy.

• You spend hours ruminating on how they interpreted something you said—or planning the “perfect” way to approach a topic.

• You take on their emotions as your own, feeling devastated when they’re upset or frustrated when they don’t respond the way you hoped.

This kind of mental and emotional labor takes a toll. It can leave you feeling resentful, disconnected, and unsure of how to parent effectively. This behavior often comes from a place of love and fear: love for your teen and fear of disconnection. If you can manage their emotions, the thinking goes, you can maintain the bond and avoid conflict.

But here’s the truth: real connection isn’t about avoiding discomfort or controlling outcomes. It’s about showing up authentically, even when it’s messy.

The Power of Staying in Your Own Experience

The best thing you can do for your teen—and for your energy—is to stay in your own experience while being empathetic to theirs.

This doesn’t mean being cold or detached. It means trusting them to have their emotions, reactions, and learning experiences without feeling the need to rescue, fix, or control.

1. Notice When You Leave Your Field

Pay attention to when your thoughts start spinning about your teen’s feelings, behaviors, or possible reactions. Maybe you’re replaying a conversation, trying to predict how they’ll respond, or strategizing how to approach them.

When this happens, pause and ask yourself:

• What am I feeling right now?

• What do I need in this moment to feel steady and grounded?

By shifting your focus back to yourself, you create space to respond thoughtfully rather than reactively.

2. Release the Need to Control

As a parent, it’s natural to want to protect your teen from pain or guide them toward the “right” choices. But trying to control their reactions or outcomes only drains your energy—and it prevents them from learning to manage their own emotions.

Remind yourself: I can’t control how they feel, and I’m not supposed to. Their emotions and responses belong to them, just as yours belong to you. Your role is to support and guide, not to steer every outcome.

3. Set an Intention for Empathy

Before engaging in a difficult conversation or interaction, take a moment to ground yourself. Set a quiet intention:

• I will listen with empathy while staying rooted in my own energy.

• I will trust my teen to feel their emotions without taking them on as my own.

This intention can help you approach your teen with compassion while maintaining your boundaries.

4. Reclaim Your Energy

After a challenging conversation or interaction, take time to “call back” your energy. Teens often process their emotions in ways that can feel intense or even overwhelming to parents.

To regain your balance:

• Take a few deep breaths and say to yourself, I return to myself.

• Do a grounding ritual, like stepping outside for fresh air, stretching, or washing your hands.

• Reflect on what you’re feeling, independent of your teen’s emotions.

This practice allows you to separate your emotional experience from theirs, helping you recharge.

5. Trust the Space Between

Connection with your teen doesn’t require you to merge with their emotions or solve their struggles. In fact, the most supportive thing you can do is trust the space between you—the place where your truths meet without losing individuality.

When you allow your teen to experience their full range of emotions while holding steady in your own field, you teach them that they’re capable of handling challenges and emotions without needing someone else to fix them.

Freedom Through Authenticity

When you stop living in your teen’s psychic field, you free both of you to show up more authentically. You create space for your teen to navigate their own emotions and choices, while modeling the kind of self-regulation and resilience they’ll need as they grow.

The next time you feel the pull to predict, control, or collapse, remind yourself:

• I can stay in my own experience and still meet my teen with empathy.

• I am responsible for my energy, and they are responsible for theirs.

This boundary not only protects your well-being but also strengthens your relationship with your teen. In this space of mutual respect and trust, real connection—and growth—can flourish.

To hear a video of me explaining this in more depth, join the Free Parent Support Group.